It’s been a few years since I discovered the joys (and occasional misery) of meeting men online. My first ad was heartfelt and a little funny, accompanied by a picture my dad took of me at the beach. I got good response but from many guys who just were not my type…and response fell off pretty quickly. I really had no idea what I was doing. I’ve improved and even perfected my ads by now…and the result is a steady stream of hot men, just my type, who feel like they know me before we even meet. My hook-up success rate is pretty high, including guys I would never have guessed I could get. I’ve re-created, discarded, re-worked and fine-tuned my ads many times as I’ve read through thousands of other ads which let me see exactly what to do and not to do.

Since part of my mission in my life as a sex worker and porn model is to educate guys on how to find and have better sex, I thought I’d distill some of the best ideas for improving a hook-up ad.

1 – The medium is the message

I see it all the time: guys whose ads say they’re tops but feature a great shot of their ass. Or a guy who says he’s looking for an LTR (that’s “long-term relationship”) but specifies how big a dick he’s looking for. The problem: the guys who wrote these ads don’t have a central message to communicate. They don’t’ have a story to tell. Decide what your story is. Are you a big-dicked top who just wants to fuck? Are you a friendly, affectionate guy open to dating? Are you a rimming pig who loves to do needlepoint? Decide what central message you want your ad to tell and then make all the pieces fit., including the headline, photos and descriptions. Another tip: avoid using words like “regular” or “average.” They tend to send a message that you’re boring or not very attractive (like ugly girls who are often described as “nice”). Choose more positive terms such as “down-to-Earth” or “centered” or “guy next door.”

2 – Photos tell a thousand stories

A friend and I joke about guys who apparently have no friends. I’m talking about those blurry photos taken in the bathroom mirror with a big splotch of light from the reflection of the flash. When you go out to a bar or party, you always want to look your best. But do your photos make you look your best online? If you’re looking to hook up with high-quality hot guys, you should have posted (or available) a few clear, sharp face photos, a nude shot (showing chest dick and legs, though not necessarily your face), a close up of your dick, and (especially if you’re a bottom) an ass pic. How do you get them? C’mon, its’ the 21st century! Ask your best friend and offer to take pics of him too. You could head out to a big park somewhere or just do it in your bedroom. This is not about sex, it’s about having fun and laughing together. As an alternative, you might want to check a community bulletin board site, such as www.craigslist.org and post an ad looking for someone to take pics. You might even find someone posting to take pictures for free. Or just negotiate photo-taking with your next hook up!

3 – N o means no

In case you didn’t know, a term like “no fats, fems or flakes” is very offensive. If nothing else, it’s bad karma! But lots of ads have long lists of “no’s,” from “no Asians or blacks” to “no whiners” to “no druggies.” The vibe these negatives give to potential hook-ups is strong and will turn off some great potential mates. That doesn’t mean you can’t explain what you’re looking for, just make it more positive. How about “seeking white guys” or “like big dicks” or “height-weight proportionate.” And once you get a response, you can generally check out the other guy’s profile online to see if he meets your standards. Be positive and polite and you’ll get it back and then some.

4 – Your English teacher was right

Yo, sup hows it hanfgkin. U up 4 sumpin? Unless you’re in high school or even junior high (and if you are, you probably shouldn’t be hooking up on line so freely), this i s j ust not acceptable language. The language you use - and the care you take with spelling - define who you are online. Using hip terms and having a flip attitude may be seen by some guys as a defensive posture and will definitely limit your responses. That doesn’t mean you need to write your ad like a thank-you note to grandma. But it does mean you should use full sentences, regular punctuation and decent grammar. And take a minute to run your spell-check. You may even want to set up your e-mail program so it automatically checks spelling before sending…ya feel me?

5 – The elastic penis

It’s generally OK to stretch the truth slightly - adding an inch to your dick size is common enough to be referred to as “AOL inches – but don’t just out-and-out lie. Stories are rampant about the 21-year-old blonde college boy with a giant dick who turns out to be 55, overweight and sporting a “micropenis.” The best thing is do is focus on your positive attributes and ignore or move quickly over your negatives. For example, if you have a great face but are out of shape, make sure you have a good face-only pic, and consider putting in your height and weight, but not describing your body type (hey, it could be all muscle!). If you’re concerned about your dick size, or funny hair, just leave those things out. If you’re not very good at a certain sexual technique, just don’t mention it. I’ve hooked up with guys almost solely because their ads made me smile and laugh and I figured they’d be fun in bed. They may not have had perfect bodies, dicks, faces, etc…but I like the assets they did have.

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